Final draft of a petition from the Blue States to the Government of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Final draft of a petition from the Blue States to the Government of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau:
Your Excellent Hotness:
Facing a deadline of Jan. 20, 2017, we, the petitioners of the newly self-declared United Provinces of Southern Canada (the former Blue States), submit for your immediate approval the following plea for collective admission to the Dominion of Canada.
We agree to the following: viz:
Conditions of Admission
Maple Leaf Flag: We would prefer it green, but our Subcommittee of Sanders Voters says red is fine.
Capital: Ottawa (Googled it).
Languages: We learn French. You learn Spanish.
Additional Provinces: Please consider admitting the American territories of Puerto Rico, Guam, the United States Virgin Islands and the Northern Mariana Islands too. You’ll like them. They’re fun. (And warm!)
Special Status: Washington, D.C. (all of it except the governmental parts).
Government
Head of State: You’ve got a governor-general, chosen by the queen, with almost no power, yes? Perfect.
Political Parties: Liberals, Conservatives, the one that loses all the time and the French one? Bon.
Coalition Governments: If that’s another word for bipartisan, we’re in.
Appointed Senate: We gather a lot of you up there don’t like it. Well, trust us, it’s better.
Smokin’ Prime Minister: Check.
Military
You basically rely on the Coast Guard, right? Let us know what else you need.
Economy
Currency: You can adopt the real dollar.
Climate Change: Base the whole shebang on turning it around.
Infrastructure Wish List: Everything you do, plus whatever Singapore does.
Taxes and Spending: The more of both the better — cheerfully.
Banking Rules: Have some.
Education
Empirically Based: Yes.
Multi-cultural: Yes.
Multi-sourced: Yes.
Morally Relative: Depends.
Evolution: Yes.
Critical Thinking: The goal.
College: Anything but Electoral.
Spelling with Superfluous “U”s: Nou proublem.
Health Care System
Yours? Obviously.
Wait Times? Fine.
Access to Ours to Avoid Wait Times? Sure, for as long as it lasts.
Social Issues
Identify them? Yes.
Solve them? Yes.
Address new ones before they fester? Yes.
Gun policy: Yours from day one.
Compulsory Volunteerism: We just made this up. But we bet you already have it.
Religion
Is More Than One Desirable? Yes.
Separation of Church and State? Duh.
Rules Against Painting Any Faith with a Broad Brush? Inshallah.
Atheism / Agnosticism Okay? Yes, thank God.
Sports
Hockey: Think of how many more Canadian teams could win the Stanley Cup!
Football: Three downs but 110 yards? Sounds like the first thing speeds the game up and the second slows it down. But okay.
Baseball: Let the Expos stay in Washington because they’re winning now.
Curling: . . . . oh, man.
Immigration and Foreign Policy
Syrian Refugees: Bless you. We’ll take half.
Quebec: (Shh.)
International Trade Agreements: Coupled with generous, open-ended, national financing for creative, effective workforce retraining programs, yes.
Later Admission of Newly Desperate Red States: Consult us on a case by case basis.
A Wall: If it winds up being necessary down here, we’ll pay for it.
With admiration and gratitude, Mr. Prime Minister — especially for the way you fill out a suit,
— The UPSC
Comments
Sure, come on up. As long as
Crispin Haskins TorontoSure, come on up. As long as you don't interfere with anyone's beer or brunch consumption, you're golden. Toronto even has an island accessible only by ferry, with its own small airport, a lot of old houses, a lighthouse, and a nude beach, just to make you feel at home. ;)
If after January 20, you don
Jim McCann Cambridge, MAIf after January 20, you don't like it in the United States, feel free to move to Canada just like all the phony "celebrities" promised. However, unlike the United States, you can't just go over the border in Canada and demand "free" stuff. They enforce their immigration laws. How refreshing that'll be here as soon as the open borders crowd is removed from Washington, DC.
Good comment. And, for all
Jane Chittick Edgartown and Washington DCGood comment. And, for all you animal lovers out there, you'll have a chance this Spring to go out and club baby seals to death. Trudeau refuses to answer a world-wide call to end this barbaric practice. To further cement this "custom", he appointed an Inuit as his head of his Fisheries and Oceans Cabinet. In addition to the clubbing, Vineyard photographers will love the red trails on the white ice... not just boring red splotches, bu fascinating squiggles made by the dying seals in their last efforts to escape. I can't wait! I've never clubbed one to death, but I sure am looking forward to this.
Imagine that? Thank you, Mr.
Margaret Vero BeachImagine that? Thank you, Mr. McCann. :-)
You should really include
Jan Pogue San Miguel de Allende, MexicoYou should really include parts of Mexico in all this -- after all, we're getting the wall!
We're with you on this, Tom.
Irene Ziebarth Newport Beach, CaliforniaWe're with you on this, Tom. Let us know if you need anything from here.
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