So how to describe the condition known as Grandmother? If your knee hurts when your grandchild is there, you don’t feel it.
Mark Alan Lovewell

True Reward of Parenting Is Becoming a Grandparent

The job of Mother doesn’t require an interview. It doesn’t even ask for a resume. Almost everyone with minimal qualifications gets hired.

The job of Mother doesn’t require an interview. It doesn’t even ask for a resume. Almost everyone with minimal qualifications gets hired. If there was a form you had to submit, even if it was on heavy card stock stationery in a classy shade of ivory, even with an embossed letter head, the first line under experience would read: NONE.

Or maybe you could put babysitter at age 13.

When asked at the preliminary interview who your influences were, you would have to say “my parents” but also June Cleaver of Ozzie and Harriet (if you’re my age) or Florence Henderson in The Brady Bunch (if you’re a bit younger) or Katey Sagal in Married with Children if you’re even younger (which could explain the rise in divorce).

This is a long winded way of saying you probably wouldn’t have been chosen. The interviewer would have said, “listen, go out and get some experience under your belt and come back in a few years and we’ll talk again.”

Now Grandmother is a whole other thing. You have been training for this one ever since you played with your Betsy Wetsy doll. You were tender and attentive and doting and loving. You spoiled your dollies rotten. And you weren’t ever tired and irritable. You weren’t worried about money or that cough the baby just developed, or if your husband was running around with his secretary. You weren’t concerned that the fuel pump had crapped out on Route 91 north. You didn’t go to Tupperware parties and wonder how you ended up like this. You didn’t struggle with your girdle to try to hold in the folds of fat that you hadn’t lost from your first pregnancy. You had a simple life. You had the energy of an eight year old because you were an eight year old.

So how to describe the condition known as Grandmother? If your knee hurts when your grandchild is there, you don’t feel it. If the dinner bill comes to $60 and he didn’t touch his shrimp scampi (which he insisted he would eat to the last drop) you wrap it up and throw it in the compost knowing your baby just fed next summer’s flower bed. If he wants the overpriced truck at Alley's and he already has something almost identical (that you bought him last week) you won’t tell him that. You’ll fork over the dough with a genuine smile because the smile on his face has no dollar amount.

There is nothing you won’t do or give or spend on this miracle who looks exactly like your family, is smarter than Einstein and sweeter than Splenda.

Recently, I bumped into a fellow member of the kvellers club (kvell in Yiddish means bursting with pride). We weren’t bragging (we don’t have to do that anymore, we have the videos on our iPhones, where just a flick of the finger shows how brilliant he is). No, we were singing the praises of the role of gramma, looking up at the heavens in gratitude that we get to do this.

“We never have to say no,” she said. “After all, that’s not part of our job.”

I agreed. We are just doing what we are supposed to do, saying yes as stated in the gramma handbook. Yes and more yes as in: How about two donuts, honey? How about a big hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream? How about the large economy size bag of Twizzlers?

How lucky that no one asked for my credentials or for my recommendations. I just woke up one morning and voila, I got the job!

Nancy Slonim Aronie is the author of Writing from the Heart (Hyperion) and the founder of the Chilmark Writing Workshop on Martha’s Vineyar d.

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/29/2015 - 08:02

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Harriet West Tisbury

Nance! The first baby in 34 years in our family was born yesterday!
I'm the Auntie, and I can't wait to get him that big hot fudge sundae. What a rush!!!
They named him after my Dad!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/29/2015 - 09:52

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Jane Rabe Chilmark/Cambridge

How swett it is! I am a YIAYIA now. It is amazing how love expands for each grandchild!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/29/2015 - 13:15

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Barry Stein Edgartown (and Cambridge)

I think of "grandchildren" also as "Grand Children".

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/29/2015 - 19:34

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Roz Glazer New York

You hit it out of the park, Nancy. It's a different kind of endless love that makes us fools until they one day say, "I think I should get a learner's permit next summer."

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 05:08

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Rob Burnside Kingston, PA

Do you recall the "Real McCoys" episode when Grandpappy Amos had to pass an eye test to get his license renewed? Amos (Walter Brennan) memorized the chart while the nurse was out of the office. Just before his turn came, someone flipped the chart. Amos covered one eye and read the side he'd memorized. The doctor, puzzled at first, caught on and said, "Amos you have the best vision in town. You can see right through the chart!" That's my take on grandfatherhood. You have to be clever, but may often find you're not clever enough--someone is always flipping the chart. If you smile a lot, you'll pass anyway. And yes, wearing faded denim bib overalls and a funny slouch hat helps. Nice essay, Nancy!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 10:37

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Jill Iscol NYC

You captured the essence of being a Grammy. Someone once said that it was like being in love for the first time. Both besotted and obsessed, it is pure, unconditional love.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 12:26

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Avrum Shepard Visalia, CA

But being a parent has its own rewards that aren’t at all diminished by grandchildren.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 13:02

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Rajka Ungerer Edgartown

Dear Ms. Nancy,
What a thrill it is to read so much truth, fun and games that the blessed ex-mothers accept the role of grandmother: unconditional love, exagurated generosity and above all a free ticket to grandchild's voyage through life, always with grandmother's love and encoregement.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 14:45

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Herb Benham Bakersfield, CA

Great piece. I feel lucky that I've become a member of the club.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 15:02

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MH Virginia

Sooo true. What a wonderful experience. Too bad they don't take our advice. New parents don't know what they don't know...yet..

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 01/03/2016 - 14:31

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Linda LaBell Oak Bluffs, MA

I became a first time "Nana" in May 2015 to a sweet little girl. I didn't realize I could love another being as much as my son. It has been such a wonderful and indescribable experience. I feel so blessed.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 01/03/2016 - 16:51

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Josh Aronie Chilmark

Uhh Mom, you know I can read right? So now there's an explanation for his ice cream sundae addiction...just kidding. Eli's a lucky boy to have you and poppy to hang out with whenever he gets bored or frustrated with us. Nice piece mom.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 10:35

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Melinda Fishman New York

So good to hear your voice Nancy. Are you a Writer/Grandmother or Grandmother/Writer:)?

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 10:59

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Barbara Phillips Oak Bluffs (Chicago & Oxford, Mississippi)

I have a vivid recollection of the summer before my first grandchild came to the Vineyard. Sitting on the beach with girlfriends, I was going on and on about these ridiculous grandmothers who thought it was actually a v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n to be afflicted with grandchildren under foot. "What kind of vacation is that?!" Fast forward to the summer of 2014 and my son brings his daughter to the Vineyard for the first time. As I watch them exit the plane, walking down the stairs and toward the gate - I'm literally jumping up and down like a Portuguese Water Dog. And laughing at myself remembering how I so did not "get it" until I became a grandmother myself.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 11:39

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Kim Markesich Portland, CT

Nancy, wonderful piece. Maybe I should stop telling my mom to hold off on the mounds of junk food!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 13:08

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Cousin Liz Waterville, Maine

Nancy - I was thinking about you and the family yesterday and wondering how Eli is doing. And then I open my email today and here is your wonderful essay - excellent timing! We are so lucky to have our grandchild (no plural yet) so close and able to see them on a regular basis. I'm going to call you soon; we have to talk about this. In the meantime, check your email. Love to all from all the Gang.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 13:12

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Deborah Lesser Berkeley CA

So glad you wrote about grandmother
hood! Took my 31/2 year old granddaughter
to my dental checkup and was so proud of her
when she chatted with the dentist and sat quietly.
I am blessed with 3 grand daughters and love the
fact that you can take the time to enjoy their uniqueness
and have fun(as long as they take a nap now and then).
It's a great incentive to stay healthy and take good care of
ourself!!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 16:35

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Jan Cincotta

My grandson's birth, supposed to have been "natural", resulted in life-threatening complications for my daughter...meaning that I spent the first few post-partum weeks with them while she wept over her inability to take care of him. Nothing...and I do mean nothing... could have brought two such stubbornly independent and bravely stoic women together more lovingly than our mutual devotion to that little guy. (ps: both of them are thriving now!)

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 17:03

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Toni Kauffman Burlington NJ

I had a wonderful example in my own grandparents so long ago! My grandmother was and is the model I have used with my own grandchildren. The word no was used and the yardstick was not spared if a lesson needed to be learned. I wonder how many times I said as she did "this is for your own good," and learned as a Mom then a Grandmother, that it really was! Every spanking was delivering in equal parts with lots of love and attention. She became my confidant during troubled times as a teen, especially when my mother "just didn't understand!" I am blessed to have my grandchildren 10 minutes from my home. We don't do a lot of hot fudge sundaes (Rita's water-ice is my vice); however we do make a lot of cookies (as a former teacher, I seize every opportunity to create a learning environment) class treats, crafts, or have them help me with household projects and dinners are done collaboratively where everyone has a task. I help with reports and occasionally can be talked into fast food! Nothing makes me prouder than when I take the older ones with me to do ministry and they are articulate, courteous and compassionate with those we are serving. I am also the Great-grandmother of three adorable girls; 1 1/2, 4 months and 1 month...I am Gigi and they are Gigi's Girls! I look forward to bringing them to the Vineyard one day and sharing all of the wonders of nature and the rich history that can be found there! I wish I knew as a Mom what I know now...don't we all?I LOVE being a Grandmother!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 17:46

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Margo Cohen New York City

So perfect-loved hearing your voice and knowing you get so much special time with Eli
I just returned from 18 days with my 2 granddaughters- utter bliss-jumping in my bed every morning
We are blessed

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/05/2016 - 19:59

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Cecilia Deferrari Kingston, NY

Naches! Naches and cheese! Mayn yiddishe shwester I know you are the best Bubbe be it mit whipped cream or wheatgrass juice! What a lucky little eynekl. See you at Rowe sans tsures! Feel free to truck in some gluten-free kreplach. Nu? You just might have some takers! Besitos y abrazos!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 01/12/2016 - 08:52

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Jeanne Barron West Tisbury and Newport Beach

What a great piece Nancy, you hit the feelings so familiar to us! We are lucky we can spend months at a time on the west coast living close to our little ones who make us laugh, teach us, exhaust us and fill us with ridiculous amounts of joy. Its a caophony of qvelling that we must be careful to share only with likewise besotted friends and family. It only gets better......

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