I think we’ve overlooked the practical issue of why my gay brothers and sisters would ever want to hire a caterer or photographer or waiter who objected to being there on religious grounds.
As a staff writer, I’m generally a stranger to the editorial pages of the Vineyard Gazette, but this week the Supreme Court heard two cases that may decide the constitutionality of gay marriage, and as a gay man, I thought I ought to weigh in with a request that’s almost entirely beside the point. As I understand it, neither case before the Supreme Court this week can wind up prohibiting gay marriage in states that have already approved it, no matter how it rules. So the most immediate question, it seems to me, is whether people have the right, based on religious views, to deny services to gay and lesbian couples that show up wanting help with their weddings.
This has been a matter of contention in two states recently, and it’s a subject in which Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, supporting an act that would allow the denial of services on religious grounds, last week instructed Louisiana businesses critical of such laws to “save your breath.”
I guess I’m against such laws myself, for the same reason that lunch counters or bus companies shouldn’t be allowed to segregate patrons based on race, or the armed services to deny people the chance to serve based on gender. But in this debate, I think we’ve overlooked the practical issue of why my gay brothers and sisters would ever want to hire a wedding planner or caterer or photographer or waiter who objected to being there on religious grounds.
(In my case, of course, the question would also be how it was that my theoretical same-sex partner and I managed to find a wedding planner, caterer, photographer or waiter who wasn’t gay himself. But that’s an issue I would probably have to air with a therapist rather than readers of the editorial pages of the Gazette.)
The whole business of asking a guy to marry me, and then going through all the preparations to solemnize and celebrate the thing, would be weighty enough without having to face that moment when we’d look into the camera lens of someone who objects to our minutes-old marriage on ancient Judeo-Christian principles. If you believe that my brand new spouse and I will be consigned to deepest furnaces of hell because of who we are and what we’ve just become, I’d prefer that somebody else drive the limo.
So here’s my request, which does not rise to the level of Supreme Court argument or require me to save my breath in the debate over the Marriage and Conscience Act in Louisiana — but it would be really helpful anyway: If you object to my marriage (or in fact just to me) on religious grounds, do this one extra thing for us both:
Advertise it.
Please put up a sign in your window saying affianced gays and lesbians need not apply. Unless you want to footnote the statement with a few lines from the Old Testament, you needn’t give the reason — we’re gay but we’re not dumb. You probably won’t even inconvenience us that much, since we’d already be living in a neighborhood or a state where the posting of such a sign wouldn’t be any great surprise. We’d know all about you and would be looking elsewhere right from the start.
We would, in effect, be saving our breath.
In those neighborhoods and states, by the way, you’re probably going to do really well. Your co-religionists will walk through the door knowing that they won’t have to confront the moral outrage of Nicholas and Davey trying on matching tuxes, or Sandra and Hermione bickering over whether peaches ever belong in an icing. (They don’t.)
It’s also probably true that most of your fundamentalist customers will in fact be planning their second or even third weddings, since recent polling suggests that 52 per cent of Republicans under 50 now favor the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, and that as many as 60 per cent of evangelicals under 30 do. But of course repeat customers are the best customers. So smart tactics on that score too.
And then there’s this, which may not be relevant to the debate this week, but will be of great importance to your side and mine over the longer term, especially when it comes to commerce, supply and demand, competition and so forth: Post a notice saying you don’t serve gays and lesbians, and not only will my theoretical spouse and I cheerfully steer clear, but so will just about all of my straight friends, whose sons and daughters are just now edging up to marrying age.
I mean, when the time comes to take photographs, most of my pals and their kids will probably ask me and my would-be spouse to be in a few of them, and at that happy moment, it would probably help if the photographer wanted me in the picture too.
Comments
Well said, as always, G.
Jim Miller San DiegoWell said, as always, G. Thomas Dunlop.
This is a very reasonable
Theresa McCarthy BrooklynThis is a very reasonable solution Tom. Great piece sir.
Would that all the nation
Dan Waters West TisburyWould that all the nation were as sensible as Mr. Dunlop!
Lopster, I'll save my breath
Max Hart Sadly not on-islandLopster, I'll save my breath for a long overdue phone call. But I will publicly say: fantastic!
Brilliant as always :)
christina ConnecticutBrilliant as always :)
Mr Dunlop...you are a
Isadora Los AngelesMr Dunlop...you are a brilliant writer.
fabulous tom! well said
claire englandfabulous tom! well said
Tom, well said. Thanks for
Leslie Bryan Atlanta but soon to be MVYTom, well said. Thanks for joining the discourse,
Advertise it. PERFECT
Skip ONAdvertise it. PERFECT solution! Poignant and hilarious Tom, thanks
Great idea but as always,
Anonymous NY\MVYGreat idea but as always, "coming out" has it's risks. As for coming out against something that the liberal media is for opens you up to great ridicule for being intolerant. Intolerance is something the media is bent on if you don't agree with them.
That, my friend, is the reason you want people to advertise their lack of support, so you can single them out - no other reason
Well, I suppose. On the other
TOM DUNLOP Edgartown, MAWell, I suppose. On the other hand, they've already singled ME out, so isn't turnabout fair play?
I have been brought up in an
Anonymous NY\MVYI have been brought up in an atmosphere where there is intolerance. Mostly anti-gay. Personally I have no problem unless it is mandated that one MUST accept things contrary to their beliefs. I have seen the intolerance of the media - a local paper published the names\addresses of "suspected" Nazis -
I have several gay friends and am not homophobic but I do know that if one were to "come out" as opposing gay marriage, the media would have no problem publishing your name (and possibly address) so that those in favor of gay marriage could mock and possibly otherwise damage your rights to freedom of speech.
let's see how many ads are taken out in the Gazette - it won't be because of opposition, but for fear of reprisal.
Very well written, funny, and
Bill Jacob EdgartownVery well written, funny, and a great idea too! A remarkably silly non-issue resolved simply- Keep up the common sense. Personally, I too would like to know these merchants and service providers up front.
Great piece! Reminded me of
Simon WTGreat piece! Reminded me of Obama's joke at this year's WH Correspondents Dinner:
“Rick Santorum said that he would not attend the same sex wedding of a friend or a loved one. To which gays and lesbians across the country responded: ‘That’s not going to be a problem.'"
Please make sure this get
Steve Martha's VineyardPlease make sure this get posted on all social media channels
it needs to be read by everyone
Tom, excellent piece. As a
Nicole Friedler Brisson EdgartownTom, excellent piece. As a wedding photographer here on Martha's Vineyard, I would like you to know that not only do I believe that the right to marry is a fundamental human rights issue, I DO advertise it. My ad reads, "intimate weddings under 100, same sex celebrations, or for the second time around." I love shooting these weddings because I find the couples to be celebrating their love, commitment and joy, not merely their wedding. And, honestly, the same-sex weddings I have photographed have been the most wonderfully loving and joyous of all the events I have photographed in my 17 years here on the Vineyard. So Cheers to Your Happily Ever After, Tom. I believe that human rights trump so-called "religious rights" any day of the week. And how "religious" is it to deny that?
Very well put, Mr. Dunlap.
William T. Langley Charlestown, RIVery well put, Mr. Dunlap.
Excellent piece. I think such
David Whitmon Oak BluffsExcellent piece. I think such businesses should have their windows plastered with such warning signs.
Okay, fine - you're the best
Brad Woodger ChappyOkay, fine - you're the best writer.
This is so awesome Tom. You sir, are a problem solver. I'll start designing the signs for these businesses. Maybe something in camo-colors.
As a wedding Officiant I have
James Pringle Vineyard HavenAs a wedding Officiant I have to agree with Nicole. The same sex marriages I have performed have been among my most meaningful. The joy some couples expeience after years of waiting to be able to marry is heartwarming. Good job Tom.
Witty and well put!
Adelaide Kent New YorkWitty and well put!
Great, Tom, just great.
Sara Crafts Oak BluffsGreat, Tom, just great. Besides Gazette/Facebook, I think this should be available just everywhere. Perhaps it could be read into the Congressional Record?
A simple, modest proposal
bruce bison, sdA simple, modest proposal which which makes perfect sense. I'll be watching for those signs in the window. Here in Massachusetts, it may be a rather long wait, but that's a good thing...
While you mocked Christians
Bill CTWhile you mocked Christians and Jews as ignorant and bigoted individuals opposing gay marriage, you neglected any reference to other religions, most notably Islam, that vehemently oppose gay marriage. Why only single out Judeo-Christians?
Good point. So far as I know,
TOM DUNLOP Edgartown, MAGood point. So far as I know, I've never met anyone except one or two evangelical Christians and orthodox Jews who were opposed to the idea of gay marriage. All the rest have been in favor. So I hereby invite all Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Bahá'í, Gnostic Confucian and Pagan wedding planners who are against me getting married to advertise it too.
Nicely put, Tom. Somewhere,
Jay H. K. EdgartownNicely put, Tom. Somewhere, both Laurence Sterne and Oscar Wilde are smiling.
Thanks for a good laugh about
Ramsay VTThanks for a good laugh about a sad subject. Moderately brilliant Tom!
Simplistic claptrap. Surely
Bob OBSimplistic claptrap. Surely you realize that there are secular arguments against gay marriage. By attempting to make this an issue informed solely by religious beliefs, you conveniently ignore the positions formed by those of us who do not practice a religion, yet disagree with you on this issue. And, no - I'll not place your scarlet letter on my place of business to enable you to carry out your implied threat of economic violence against those who dare to disagree with your agenda. It becomes clearer to me every day that this has nothing to do with equality, and nothing to do with marriage.
An interesting take on the
TOM DUNLOP Edgartown, MAAn interesting take on the problem. No, I hadn't heard much about secular objections to same-sex marriage as a civic issue – but then the loudest outcries we're hearing over here these days are from religious folks based on the biblical one. But I absolutely love the idea that such a notice could be considered a scarlet letter. I'd thought of it as a way to save us from a harangue and you your time before we went to the business next door. Evidently it's actually a badge to be worn proudly by a person of conscience against the opprobrium of a disapproving society. I had no idea we'd come so far!
Bob, you see the deception..
Paul FloridaBob, you see the deception...maybe God helped you! Do you really want the 'definition of 'marriage' to be monkeyed with? Does anyone in their right mind?
I dont have any views one way
Ken Edg.I dont have any views one way or the other, I look at a person for their character and intelligence. Im sure gays serve their straight customers and vice versa. If benefits arent for everyone then maybe there shouldnt be any for anyone. Marriage isnt what it used to be.
NOW you tell me!
TOM DUNLOP Edgartown, MANOW you tell me!
As far as I know - those who
Paul FloridaAs far as I know - those who oppose the twisting of 'marriage' norms are already 'out' in full force - the major problem is with 'legal wrangling' - confusing 'civil rights' with personal moral choices that some see as manipulative and selfish...if states are forced to choose based on a supreme court decision - then the real problem has just begun...
Brilliant, every word of it -
Robert Dutton Oak BluffsBrilliant, every word of it -- especially the note about peaches never belonging in cake icing.
Congrats Tom, you just
SimmyCongrats Tom, you just brought out several closet gays! I knew I was right about many of them! Again congrats thought I might have been crazy..
If folks did post signs like you request the results would make Baltimore look like a horse & pony show.
Right ON, Tom! I am proud to
Louisa Hufstader Oak BluffsRight ON, Tom! I am proud to know you.
My wife and daughter went
Donald Miller Methuen & West TisburyMy wife and daughter went wedding venue shopping on Sunday. A place they liked a lot had three sets of icons on the brochure: a bride and groom, a bride and bride, and a groom and groom. The venue went wayyyyy up in our estimation. That's just the natural flip side of getting the homophobes out of the closet ... say it loud! We are gay friendly and so are our customers! Nice business model ...
My wife and daughter went out
Donald Miller Methuen & West TisburyMy wife and daughter went out to look at wedding venues yesterday. One they liked a lot had three sets of icons displayed on their brochure: a bride and groom, a bride and bride, and a groom and groom. Now that's MY kind of business. Sign us up!
Who is the real loser in a
Paul FloridaWho is the real loser in a nation bent on moral decline? From the removal of prayer in schools, to the failure of 'abortion on demand', to now deciding that the definition of 'marriage' needs to be manipulated - the US, as a nation, has suffered the consequences -
too much 'freedom' can obviously result in no 'freedom' at all. It seems America has become the focus of the world's attention - for all the wrong reasons.
I would have to give Tom
BFI would have to give Tom credit for a great piece of writing. Whether one agrees with him or not is a whole different subject.
What confuses me is, that there is so much intolerance on BOTH sides, that it has become about impossible to tell the good guys and the bad guys apart.
What's wrong with peaches in
anne hogan sunrise, flWhat's wrong with peaches in icing?
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