On Sept. 11, 2001, in the early morning hours I could hear the stirring of my fiancée, Bobbi, a flight attendant for American Airlines, standing at the dresser in our bedroom.
In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. — Albert Camus
On Sept. 11, 2001, in the early morning hours I could hear the stirring of my fiancée, Bobbi, a flight attendant for American Airlines, standing at the dresser in our bedroom on Cape Cod as she readied herself for a work trip to Los Angeles. She did not kiss me goodbye that morning, letting me sleep a bit longer.
I was in the middle of looking over the materials for a presentation when the phone rang. It was Bobbi, calling me from her cell phone at 6:30 a.m., as she was about to board Flight 11. Typically, her moods improved as the day wears on but this morning she was bubbly and cheery early. I was confused until she told me she had just drunk a large Starbucks coffee. I wished her a good flight and told her I loved her. She said: “ I love you too. Talk to you in LA.”
A short time later I was putting materials into my briefcase, getting ready for work myself. Off in the corner of my home office I had the television going with the Today show on. I stood to leave when out of the corner of my eye I saw what looked like a small plane hit the World Trade Center. I thought it odd and immediately realized that perhaps a person or two might die in such a crash. Then the Today show cut to a commercial. I waited before leaving, curious about that small plane. Coming back from commercial break, on television the second plane hit.
What I did not know then was that I had just witnessed, live on television, the murder of my fiancée with whom I had shared a life for seven years. The evil and hate that now defines our time became personal. Back then I did not know that there was such an aggressive force out there that glorifies death and forgets innocents.
Bobbi was 38 years old, a vibrant Spanish woman with a Basque ancestry who was raised in Los Angeles. She paid her taxes, followed the rules and loved life. She was like so many million Americans that day — she simply went to work — in her case as a flight attendant for American Airlines. Terrorists prey, as we know, on the innocent.
Fourteen years later, my journey through grief continues.
I have learned along the way that in our culture we are not good at admitting grief, perhaps thinking it taboo or embarrassing (although it is a normal reaction to loss). And when we do admit it, many turn away, perhaps out of fear that it might happen to them. But grief is a part of life, and recovery from loss must be lived through. I am reminded of a scene in the movie Shadowlands when C. S. Lewis attends the first faculty gathering after the death of his wife. He is given the advice, “Life must go on, Jack.” Lewis responds dryly, “I don’t know if it must but it certainly does.”
No one who goes through grief remains the same, in my opinion. And grief is an awfully big adventure for one person to manage. We need companions for the pilgrimage. The Spanish call those who accompany grievers acompanero. A companion listens all the way to the end of our silences as well as to the end of our conversations. Listening is intensely more valuable than giving advice.
Still, grief is a lonely place. It’s important to empathize with a person who has suffered a loss, as opposed to sympathize or over-identify with them. It is a fine distinction but an important one. Sympathizing manages to convey “I feel sorry for you,” which is passive and unhelpful. Over-identifying is presumptuous. Its message is “I know how you feel.” It shuts down a person’s ability to feel safe mourning with you. Empathy conveys a desire to understand and a willingness to be taught by the person you hope to comfort. Another unhelpful (however well intentioned) approach is the so-called abandonment orientation — let’s be strong, buck up, you need to keep busy, there’s nothing we can do about it.
No matter how you grieve, your “grief print” will be as individual as your thumbprint. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that we all grieve in our own ways and on our own schedules. Grief is not linear, it’s not predictable and it’s anything but smooth and self-contained. Someone did us all a grave injustice by implying that mourning has a distinct beginning middle and end.
Only in North America do people use the words closure or resolution when talking about integrating loss into our lives. It stems from impatience in our culture — we are done, let’s get back to normal. The fact is you reconcile loss, you don’t resolve it. And different circumstances evoke different grief reactions.
My outlook today is best summed up in this quote from a husband who lost his wife and two children in a car accident: “I want, at least, to be in places where joy is happening. Then, if there are any extras, I can take a doggy bag full of joy home with me for tomorrow.”
It did take time for me to discover that it goes with the territory of living in our human skins, with hearts that can break, bodies that can fail, minds that can despair — that there is a silver lining, a gift you discover from the darkness and loss. Something emerges. You can learn to live again. I planted a Cherokee dogwood tree in my back yard a long time ago in memory of Bobbi. I noticed that its bare branches now have blossomed. It is as beautiful as she is. She will never be replaced and she will never be forgotten.
As Helen Keller said: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of overcoming it.”
Wayne Nichols is an Island native, group consultant, personal coach and avid triathlete. He lives in St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands.
Comments
Wayne, truly beautiful.
June Manning AquinnahWayne, truly beautiful. Prayers and healing. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing.
Ana USVIThank you for sharing.
Thank you. Very wise, and
ChrisThank you. Very wise, and very helpful for all of us who have, or one day will, face sudden loss. That said, no one should ever have to absorb the shock and tragedy that you have endured. Thanks for sharing on this very sad anniversary.
Touching and true. As someone
Alison Levy AquinnahTouching and true. As someone in New York City on that day, I am grateful to begin this day of remembrance with your loving and real account.
Thank you so much for sharing
Claire Schwartz New JerseyThank you so much for sharing your personal journey on this important and tragic day. I am so terribly sorry for your loss of your beloved. In my practice as a Grief Coach, I try and teach exactly what you are describing - that "I know how you feel" is NOT helpful, that grief is not linear and that "closure" is not the goal. But it is very deeply ingrained in our culture, a culture that still feels that such pain and vulnerability is weakness. The strength and resilience you show in your piece is humbling and proof of the power of the human heart. Thank you for your inspiration and courage - may this day bring you whatever you need to get through it.
CS Lewis also talks a lot
JDH MiamiCS Lewis also talks a lot about grace, with you abundant.
I work as a full time
Maria Pedroso-Parker Orlando and EdgartownI work as a full time Instructor for Flight Attendants with another airline. We will ALWAYS remember Bobbi and the rest of the Crews that went to work on that day...she was one of us ...
Wayne, what beautiful words
Maria Gutierrez Valls Cape Porpoise, ME/ USVIWayne, what beautiful words and wise advise. What you have endured is so tragic. I can feel the pain that you are still holding for the loss of Bobbie.. How devastating. I am thinking about you and sending you lots of Positive Vibrations on this day my friend. Take care.
Maria
A perfect tribute on a day of
Joe Bower Cambridge/EdgartownA perfect tribute on a day of personal and national loss.
Beautiful. Thank you Wayne.
ET StxBeautiful. Thank you Wayne.
Aloha and mahalo Wayne
Sam Low MVIAloha and mahalo Wayne
You have used a very helpful
Malcolm Boyd VH, MVYou have used a very helpful quote to finish… thanks
Thank you for sharing your
Maureen Regan NYC and EdgartownThank you for sharing your personal story on this saddest of all days. It was a beautiful tribute to your love for this wonderful woman.
Poignant and precious.i will
Jessica Harris Oak BluffsPoignant and precious.i will send it to my girlfriend whose son worked for Cantor-Fitzgerald and to others Thank you for articulating what is such a personal journey. I wish you peace.
Thinking of you Wayne at this
Sarah Mayhew West TisburyThinking of you Wayne at this difficult time of year. Wishing you peace, happiness and love. Take care.
As the son of a NYFD
George Stein edgAs the son of a NYFD lieutenant we lost quite a few friends that day. I offer the strategy I have used. Each day I make the effort to be a bit more caring and respectful to the people I encounter. To honor the memory and be a better person for it is my idea of an appropriate tribute each day.
Your words are so true. The
melissa umbrianna norwell,massYour words are so true. The grieving process is such a personal experience that one must go through alone but with support of friends and family. You must find joy in the little things and cherish the memories of the ones lost. During my difficult time with the loss of both parents I would always head to the ocean and go to the beach for a walk. Best of luck to you on your journey.
Wow, wow, and WOW !!!
Jill White Vineyard HavenWow, wow, and WOW !!! Beautiful truth, seemingly sent from the greater universe right through the depths of your soul.
thank you for this gift today.
Peace be with you today and
Rebecca Charlotte, NCPeace be with you today and every day as the reconciliation with the events that took your beloved away continues. Thank you for giving generously of your experience. None of us knows when it will be our turn to grieve a loved one; all of us can learn from what you have shared.
There are no words that can
Mason Buddy Marblehead/VHThere are no words that can adequately express my feelings having read your piece, Wayne. What you had to say brought home to me, probably for the first time, what September 11th truly means to those who lost so much and what those losses meant. Thank you.
Beautifully worded....thanks
Ron Cisneros Vineyard HavenBeautifully worded....thanks for letting us in on your journey.
Wayne I did not know before
Jean hay Vineyard havenWayne I did not know before today of your profound loss You are changed and I was moved to meet you again in vineyard Haven I start this day always thinking of those who died and all who knew and cherished them jean hay
Grief never ends. We are
Carollyn Philip NYCGrief never ends. We are fortunate when it does not incapacitate us. The pain lessens.
Absolutely beautiful. Your
Meliss Melvin East ChopAbsolutely beautiful. Your explanation of grief is so clear and yet it is such a cloudy subject matter. Having lost a fiance I feel very deeply for how your life must have changed. I will never be the same but I will go on. And now I will look for doggie bags to take with me into tomorrow.
What a beautifully written
Michele Angell Providence , RIWhat a beautifully written story. Thank you for sharing.
thank you for sharing your
Gayle san Jose CAthank you for sharing your grief.
I have been on a grief
Joanie Ruppel Keller, TXI have been on a grief journey for five and a half years and I think your article is probably the best I've read at describing grief and how it is viewed and how we must view it. Thank you for a heart-felt, beautifully written narrative and for sharing your story of September 11.
Wayne, such beautiful words.
Susan Davis, Vero Beach, FLWayne, such beautiful words. Know that Americans share your grief today. You are not alone. Bless you.
Love can never die. Grief is
Steve Fortloyis Wilmington, NCLove can never die. Grief is its earthly remains.
Deeply moved by your words.
Michele FalmouthDeeply moved by your words. Thank you.
wayne,
Lyndy Perrotta cape codwayne,
Thank you for sharing, think about you always ans hoping you have found peace in your life...I think of Bobbi always, but especially on this day!
Bobbi was one of those flight
Linda G NewburyportBobbi was one of those flight attendants I LOVED working with! I had the pleasure of flying together shortly before that day. We had dinner, walked around Long Beach, then the beach.
We Talked about your engagement and what the future held for you two. We talked about our cats, knitting & cooking. We had a wonderful layover. She loved you very much Wayne.
I miss her company, her nicknames and her smile ! Thank you for sharing . Namaste
I met Bobbie when she first
Barbara Bonita Springs, flI met Bobbie when she first transferred to Boston in preperation for your marriage. She was so excited and loved you so very much. I have since retired after a 36 yr career as a flight attendant with American.
My heart goes out to you. We move on, but the pain really doesn't go away.
"Like A Wounded Bird, Flying
Pamela Jacqueline Friedman Long Island New York"Like A Wounded Bird, Flying Too Close To The Ground", Sharing One's Loss, Is How We Keep Our Loved Ones Alive. The Unspeakable Vocabulary Of Sorrow. Prayers
Thank you for your beautiful
Ginny Coutinho VHThank you for your beautiful sharing which is a lovely understanding of the grieving process. So helpful for those experiencing grief and for those that are supporting others that are experiencing grief. Peace and blessings to you.
Your story touched me deeply,
Nancy Carter Williamsburg VAYour story touched me deeply, thank you for sharing. Peace and blessings to you.
Dear Mr. Nichols,
Peg Ogonowski Hatch Dracut, MADear Mr. Nichols,
I have never read such a fine essay before. My late husband John was the Captain of Flight 11 that day. I flew it more than any other in my 25 years as a F/A for American. I'm sorry that I never knew Bobbi although I don't know how our paths did not cross. Your works truly touched my heart and I will share them with my family and friends. I wish you the very best in your continuing journey.
Peg Ogonowski Hatch
thanks for sharing. Grief is
B karlssonthanks for sharing. Grief is the pain of love. The pain lessens and the love creates a special sensitivity which may be uncomfortable to others. Time is our best friend and it can be a very long time. Hang in there.
Your unknown widowed friend
Wayne, You have clearly
Roger Hatfield USVIWayne, You have clearly touched the lives and souls of many with this awesome sharing. You are as soft inside as you are tough on the outside. Blessings to you.
Wayne,
Bob Dusa Oak Bluffs, MAWayne,
For someone to have suffered such a devastating loss of a loved one in the most senseless & catastrophic act of murder by fanatical terrorists in our history, you have displayed a remarkable degree of resilience and ability to convey the heartrending effects of a personal loss to the readers of this newspaper website. It offers such compassionate insight to anyone who struggles with the pain and anguish associated with such loss. Thanks for sharing.
ALL IS WELL (NYC, early 90s,
Rob Burnside Kingston, PAALL IS WELL (NYC, early 90s, author unknown) Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way you always used. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play. Smile. Think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well.
Beautifully written. Thank
Beth Webber South Hamilton MABeautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story. Peace to you
Your amazing article has
Sally white E. Walpole MAYour amazing article has touched my heart in such an amazing way. My heart goes out to you and Bobbi. My daughter, Susan Blair, was also killed that day as she worked on the 92nd floor of tower 2 . I intend to print your beautiful article to refer to when I feel overwhelmed. Thankf you from the bottom of my heart for your touching thoughts.
I read this some time ago and love it. "God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December"
Blessings, Wayne. Thank you
Michael West Vineyard HavenBlessings, Wayne. Thank you for this beautiful memoir.
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